I was thinking...

There’s a reason why I’m not in a relationship. I want to be in a relationship, believe me. Few things sound better to me right now than to have a significant other to fight against humanity as equal partners, and, ideally, always acting wary of the other, just in case they want to usurp all power and take over the whole operation. I guess this is a great time to finally admit to something I’ve been dealing with for years. So, to my parents, siblings, friends, associates and to you, the reader: I’m a homo-erectus . Well, a distant relative, like you. That means that I’m naturally inclined to certain behaviors and fears, which leads me what I’ve been holding on to for years: I’m terrified of women. Now, I’m not too afraid of women to avoid entering yet another relationship with one. On the contrary, the terror and intrigue are part of what drives me to them, time and time again. Everything is incredible as long as you take their side. The side you want to be on. T...

1. Teenage rebellion What are you, the teenager, rebelling against anymore? Each other? Your parents? What do you have left besides those two things that we, as a social whole, aren’t already rebelling against? Do you have too much privilege to be concerned about real issues, like surviving one more day? 2. Justin Beiber He’s an idiot poisoned by wealth and fame. He's also not the first, and won't be the last. Get over it. Move on. 3. Nude celebrities If you’re still totally hung up on seeing celebrities naked to fulfill your fantasies, try meeting more people. And if you’re married, you’re pathetic--discuss your sexual frustrations with your spouse or get divorced and try to be sexually active afterward. See how that works out for you. 4. Celebrity gossip You need to examine the quality of your life if you're compelled to vicariously live through the missteps and suffering of others, espec...

As a man, I’m feeling a cold breath on my neck. It’s breath from the same mouth that hovered over palm pilots, rotary telephones and spats: it’s the breath of obsoletism. As early as the late 1700’s, there were experiments in artificial insemination in humans, notably done by John Hunter, a Scottish surgeon. This was the first step to making men completely obsolete. The only thing we men had going for us was the production of life-juice! We’d already ransacked every corner of the world, centuries before, for who knows what reason, now there wasn’t even going to be the excuse that we were needed to make babies. Why would we do this to ourselves and each other? An example of this ill-advised procedure came in 1884. An American physician by the name of William Pancoast artificially inseminated a woman, by her and her husband's request, who gave birth to a child nine months later, as expected. However, this married woman was not aware that she was pregnant any of the nine mon...

Exactly who is offering the world as a trade? Whomever it is, you’d think they would have given up by now. No one seems willing to take that offer. Not even the people that have the worst things for trade. “My life sucks, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.” ; “Some days, I wish I’d never had kids, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.” ; “My crippling anxiety has left me with no friends and no money--I’m barely alive, and miserable every passing second--but I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”  Good. No one actually wants to give you the world as trade for your crappy stuff.  It’s like one giant, imaginary swap-meet where everyone has brought their checkered history and emotional baggage, and one person is walking around offering the world as a trade. When someone declines the trade, that same someone is compelled to tell anyone within earshot that they had been offered the world in exchange for their refuse, gathered over a lifetime, but declined. It coul...

Advertisers will tell you, “You spoke, and we listened. Now our product [has the thing we discussed]…” Everyone’s head perks up when they hear that, because they want to know, What did we say?! Like it’s a little surprise party, and you hope all of the presents you get are things you’ve been hinting that you’ve wanted throughout the entire year. You might be saying to me, “Advertisers don’t tell you that, actors do! You f*** (silly.)” Actors may say those things, but actors are little more that PVC pipes: they funnel source-material through their hollow, plastic bodies and hope whatever comes out of their mouths actually matters. So, in light of this premise, it truly is the advertisers who are telling you what the actors happen to say. When I hear that I’ve spoken and companies have listened, my mind goes completely off the subject of the ad. I am, relatively, quite outspoken, so the chances I’ve unwittingly told an advertiser all about what I want out of ever...