I was thinking...

I'm convinced that women my age--the 18-31 demographic--go to some movies just to cry. This conclusion comes from years of experience, and suffering through countless dramas with the same storyline: girl meets a guy unlike any other, they tease the audience with when they'll finally get on with it, they fight, end the relationship, end up getting back together, and someone important to one or both of them will die. (Really, what happened in Nicholas Sparks' life that made it so predictably tragic?) To be fair, there are variations to these movies, like, in one movie, the girl has wavy hair, while in the other movie, the girl has short, wavy hair. That's the extent of the comfort zone of these filmmakers, though. They don't want to mess with the prescribed rain dance they follow to conjure face water out of young women's faces. The most recent movie of this vein that I had to sleep through danced the right steps, and I heard the thunder of sniffles behi...

The man is the Man, and the ladle is commercial withholding Celebrities and corporate organizations encourage us laypersons to be benevolent, because these same entities are hoping to, ironically, avoid having to do this. They encourage us by using the sick tactic of appearing benevolent, guilting us into following suit. A compassionate sleight of hand, as it were. The very notion makes me ill to my core. I mean, come on, each of these human flytraps who tell us, the commonwealth, to donate to a cause could easily solve the problem if they just donated the bulk sum of their superfluous gains. Right? They’re trying to convince us that it’s “just sixty cents a day, sixty cents a day! *sniffle*”, but that sixty cents is part of the money we all use to live on, not luxury money we can throw at a cause out of guilt. Why are we of the middle-class asked to donate so much to non-profits? Are you aware that the middle class, at any given moment in the last decade, has only ever had b...

Don’t you understand? You and I are being manipulated, every day. We’re being controlled, and what’s controlling us is a force that has even become something we all literally can’t live without. It’s been this same case for our parents, their parents, their parents, so on and so forth, encompassing the entire line of our collective ancestry. This force has masterfully conditioned us, at the most basic level of our instincts as a species, to be totally dependent on what it produces. Evil. This... evil force is, of course, the Earth’s plant-life. The Flora of that infamous death-metal duo, Flora and Fauna (I know, you’re thinking they can’t be a "death"-metal duo, but if you understand how Flora has enslaved us and how Fauna consumes the flesh of Fauna, it becomes clear. Their debut album is titled "The Food Chain".) There are horror movies about plants taking over the world, but, guess what? They’ve already taken over the world. They took over soon ...

THE BOOK OF BUTCH Chapter 1 Good boys go potty--Eating food makes Butch a good boy--Threats must be barked at from afar--If threats approach, one must scurry away and bark at a new location--Butch must have every toy--if there is something to be desired, Butch must stay vigilant to the point of paranoia--the Masters ask the one important question: Are you a good boy ? 1. Thus saith the Masters: Hark! Art thou a good boy? And upon my head rests that which, alas, remains unanswered. 2. Now it came to pass that I, Butch, the small and lowly, was taken with leash and harness past the door; and the Masters had commanded, Behold, I say unto you the time is now wherein you must go potty. And I, Butch, had answered with wag of tail and patter of foot. 3. And it came to pass that I, Butch the small and lowly, did seek out an place to relieve my bowels and empty my bladder; and this I did for a time. 4. And as I performed these duties, behold, a large and fretful creatu...

The PTA meeting ended with the buzz of considerate laughter and the touching of each other’s arms. As they were leaving the room, Edna walked briskly up to Gretta, the PTA president, and thanked her for all of her hard work and commitment to the lives of the school children, while handing Gretta a freshly baked loaf of bread. Gretta accepted said loaf in great thanks, and excitedly walked to her economy-class vehicle. _________________ Gretta walked into her home. The clear smell of ‘new’ filled the entryway. “Dave? Dave?!” she demanded. As she meandered into the kitchen, she spotted her husband, Dave, sitting at the island bar. “David! Look what Edna just gave us,” she said, holding the bread at eye level. “Awesome,” was Dave’s response. “I’m going to make some toast!” Gretta headed to the toaster oven by the sink, and plopped in two slices, cut with delicate exactness. The reheated bread sent a warm vapor of butter and memories into the cabinets, as it was waft...