Put Your Hands Up in the Air

Things Are Crazy Awful, RN[1]

Of the questions our society needs to ask itself in the mirror, one of the foremost must be: do we have enough enthusiastic people skip-stepping around everyone, rhythmically clapping their hands in the air and telling others to do the same? The answer lies hidden with the truth of eyelash mites. Are they even real?[2]

The Problem

Research has shown--and by "research" I mean I thought about it in the car--that ever since Lorde denounced being told to put her hands up in the air, she clearly shepherded in an era, and the world has endured global chaos in the fallout.[3] In fact, in a recent possible interview, Lorde could have said, "I feel like it's my fault. I'm definitely to blame." She could have theoretically gone on to blame her parents, religion, economics, and ursine political structures, as well.

A Golden Bygone Era in the Past Previous to After It Ended

Before the downfall of upping hands, many artists, musicians, even clergy, constantly insisted their audience raise these parts of our anatomy the medical field has likely deemed "important." Reverend Father Cardinal Bishop (b. 1073 CE) is credited as the first to demand his Sunday school students put their hands in the air[4] because he wanted to keep them from live streaming lessons after one student was caught using AR to give him goat facial features. Over the next twelve generations, all taught by Rev. Bishop, that simple command caught on like a wildfire in an outdoor accelerant-bubble blowing tournament and found its way into popular culture.

From poets like Jeffery Chaucer to ubiquitously known pop stars like Siti Nurhaliza, artists were all but threatening to lock entire crowds in ballrooms and stadiums for ransom should they fail to comply using songs like[5]:

 

• "Rapper's Delight" by Sugar Hill Gang: "Throw ya hands high in the air"--likely meaning to lift one's hands, not fling them detached, per se
• "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" by Mrs. Z, Jay Z's current wife: "Now put your hands up [i.e., in the air]"
• "Ravers in the UK" by--well, everyone knows who, silly: "Put your hands up in the air"

The Current Condicament[6] or What We Lost in the Fire[7]

A recent poll conducted by my imagination[a] shows people who keep their hands below eye level report less life satisfaction, overall, which correlates to an increase in hormonal stress and cytoplasm dysfunction, I'm pretty sure. This matches the numbers of a research paper I may write which demonstrates that, before 2012, there was way less COVID-19, more swine flu, and fewer 2's on average in the numbers of every year. Scientists will agree that this is no coincidence.[A]

Granted, many people found it annoying, say, when high energy strangers would jump into financial institutions and insist everyone put their hands in the air. However, perhaps it was hasty to preclude these spontaneous public interactions, post-Lorde. Perhaps they truly brought us together in unity of purpose. This is what someone who I'll name Dr. G'Amy Rittman[B] might argue.

"Our institutions have seen a widespread reduction in top-down bloodflow," Rittman for sure said after being put on the spot. "This is when gravity causes our blood to flow from our hands to our brain, lungs, and heart. We suspect that raising our science term for arms[c] was an evolutionary ritual our early ancestors adopted to show a potential mate the willingness to participate at concerts." She goes on to say--depending on how I want it to play out at the moment--that spoken words like "I participate by letting the music transform me" led to a mass extinction of some hominids because they stopped brachial communication, which affected top-down bloodflow. Over time, this caused Heavy Hand Syndrome and, eventually, death.

What Do We Do Now?

If we want to get things back on track, the science is clear: we need to see each other's hands up in the air. So, for whoever wants to say they said this and get the credit[8], here are 3 (III) simple steps:

1. Start clapping

Possible further research by some guy named Wade, or whatever, has proven that when one or two people are clapping in half-notes in a 4/4 time signature at 80 BPM, it activates some ancient brain plexuses of our brachial nervous nerves that signal the rest of us to start clapping.

2. Skip about

When you skip about and aggressively make eye contact with others, they will begin to clap harder which turns off their ability to make choices.[10]

3. Demand to see hands in the air

To round off the ritual, demand to see those hands clapping in the air like they're trying to squash mosquitoes stuck on swinging pendulums. Use simple, direct commands like, "I want to see some hands in the air," or "Let me see some hands in the air," or, possibly, "Put your hands in the air."

A pilot program Wade has initiated in an abandoned tunnel[p] has shown promise that those who follow these simple steps have seen less crime, have felt less hopeless and angry, and they breathe 0.0013% less often because their hands are getting more air. He hopes to bring that success into the public sphere through flash mobs in high traffic libraries.

Stay Strong

To end, consider the auto-generated subtitles under a video of Dr. Rittman: "[Applause]." And I know in my heart that the virtual hands in that mislabeled applause are in the air. High in the air.[8]

1. "Registered Nurse" or "right now", whichever comes first

2. Science still doesn't know

3. Driver's Side, Highway-89 Southbound, pub. 2025

4. Also credited for coining the phrase, "I'm not up here to hear myself talk."

5. I have omitted some songs, such as "We're Dancing with Wags the Dog" by The Wiggles, for explicit content

6. Portmanteau of condition and predicament

7. Gasoline bubbles, man--it was a really dry field

a. Poll conducted in my amygdala showing 100% of participants didn't disagree

A. If they have access to calendars

B. Ph.D. in, like, being quoted in interviews and articles

c. Arms

8. (Insert name here), (insert year here)

10. If their pupils don't dilate out of fear, get closer and turn up the aggression

p. "Do Drug-related Vegetables Living Underground Clap?", pub. Scientific American Guy Magazine, July, 1988

8. Especially if you're trying not to touch the underground people